自残

我明白为什么有的人会用‘自残’来抒发情绪了，
因为肉体上的痛，怎样都比不上心痛。
反而还把你的注意力分散在肉体上的痛，这样你就不会觉得心痛了。

more photos

this is my living room's window..

this photo was taken in Melbourne when i went to their Tulip Farm.

and of course some of my cam-whoring photos hehe..

my mom says i put on make up thats y my eyes are so big when i take this photo..

no i didnt, this was taken 100% natural, without make up haha..

and she asked since when did i hav a mark beside my eye..

i hav no idea too.. 

 :)

photos

im so into my phone these days hehe, 

especially the photography effects.

i like to put those effects up and make the photos look nicer.

here are some special photos i really like.. ^^ 

drowning by my own tears

im so soo sad today..
i had an argument with mom.

i was so tired this morning after i came home from singing practice,
i didn't sleep last night.
so i laid on the sofa get ready to take a nap before i go teach.
mom saw me and shouted at me from the kitchen.
"wei!! everyday sleep sleep sleep, stop sleeping, the more you sleep the fatter you are!"
those words were like bullets, straight away pierced into my heart.
even my mom..keeps saying that im fat.
in her eyes, im the fat daughter..rather than the beautiful daughter.
i was so hurt.
was already hurt from last night,
then after hearing what she said,
i burst into tears and went into my room.

don't know why i was so emotional today,
but i couldn't stop crying.
i keep thinking, other ppl keep saying that im fat..now even my own mom keeps calling me fat..
the more i think the harder i cried.

after i came back from teaching, i finally took a nap.
mom then said she wanna talk.
and started lecturing me about me banging the door earlier and said i could have told her nicely that i was tired.
I TOLD HER I DIDN"T SLEEP LAST NIGHT...
AND THATS WHAT SHE REPLIED ME WITH!
AND THATS WHY I WAS SO UPSET AND BANGED THE DOOR...
then i started crying like a baby again...
she said she doesnt understand why am i crying..
she said it seems funny cuz im crying for no reason.
thinking about the argument with vincent last night..
and then im having this crying out loud conversation with mom.
i cried until im dehydrated already..im not joking.

she said how i always show her my temper..
how im very hot temepered..
i told her how she had hurt me in her ways..
she's always the one showing me her black face and not talking to me..
and i said she always calls me fat, and she said sometimes its just a joke,
well they dont seem like jokes to me.
at the end she cried too.
we talked over many things..
of course, sad things..
how she was suffering when she was alone after my dad left her,
and i said how i was so misery when i was in australia..
and she said i dont know the pain she went through,
and all the nightmare came back to me again and i started crying louder.
haihs..
im so tired. dehydrated d, how can a girl cry so much in 1 day?
i think my tears can drown myself already.. :( i hate crying..

suffocating

its been quite sometime since i wrote a new post..

and i feel that i only come on to write when im heartbroken and sad..

i guess thats why this place is called My Hideout.

i hate this feeling, i cant sleep.

everytime after argument, my heart feels like its been torn apart and i'll cry like a baby under my blanket.

all the things he said to me, all the hurtful things that he didnt even realize they are hurtful to me, 

i remember every single one of them. 

now we are arguing about something that he misunderstood me.

i tried to explain but he still didnt get it..

i guess our different minds are drifting our hearts apart..slowly and slowly.

mom says that when a guy is dating you..

he'll see everything in you is flawless..

even if he thinks that you are fat, he wont say it to you.

my friend says that when a guy truly loves you,

he only sees whats inside your heart, 

sees you in your eyes,

not your body.

i had a very great weekend last week, 

i went to his place, 

we went out, 

he bought me a phone, 

i love it so much..

i love him so much..

the weekend was perfect,

until the things he said finally hurt my feelings.

he makes me feel that im ugly, very ugly. 

makes me feel that i dont match him.

and i know that he's comparing other girls with me.

i know im fat.

as you said yourself.. it needs time to slim down, 

but why do you keep reminding me when i eat, when i walk,

when you see other pretty girls, 

reminding me that im fat and ugly?

i know you like an independant girl.

so i tried to find you when i reached KL, 

i didn't complain or whine and ask you to come get me.

normally when a girl comes so far to find you, 

you should already be waiting for her to get her back home.

And when you finally come get me..

you kept complanining, and make me feel that im so useless..

Remember the day when you came to Penang?

i waited for you for 2 hours under the sun.

i know you like an independant girl.

so when we went for korean BBQ, 

and the waiter didn't help us cook the meat,

i cooked it.

i didnt ask you to help me cook, 

i served the meat in front of you.

normally when a couple are dating...

the guy does all the work, trying to impress the girl. 

on the day when i was about to go home..

you were helping me carry my bag..

i could see that you weren't very happy cuz the bag was heavy, 

and i didn't help you find the bus station. 

you complained and said that you are like my slave..carrying my bag..

maybe you feel that these are the little things in life 

are the things that i am capable of doing by myself, 

but can i ask you to ask yourself..

when a guy really loves a girl..

he'll do even the smallest things..

to try and please the girl, 

and make her happy.

isn't that right?

I'm starting to think, 

i think i love you more..

far more than you love me.

if you prefer seeing slim and pretty girls, 

if you cant stand looking at my fat body,

then maybe you shouldnt have picked me.

you should go find yourself a nicer girl,

cuz when we all get older, 

when im no more a young girl, 

you'll eventually get tired of me and find someone prettier to replace me.

you have to start appreciating..
cuz no one is perfect if you keep looking a person from outside.
and wanting that person to be perfect inside out.
if you dont appreciate what you have now,
you'll never get satisfied even when she's very pretty on the outside.
you'll always see her as the not-so-perfect one,
and ask her to change this change that.
if you are trying to make her to be your perfect girl,
you are not loving this girl,
you are loving the perfect one you made her be.
You are not perfect either..
but i didn't ask you to change anything for me.
cuz the person i love is you...
the real you.

Weeee

Weee~~~
CNY holiday is over~
next week back to work.
did u all get a lot of angpaos?
im going to Cameron Highland early feb,
then going to KL mid of feb. ^^ so excited!!
20 more days til we meet :) hehe

A thousand knives

we argued today..
i hate this feeling.
i hate it when we argue.
it always makes me so sad and end up crying.

i guess distance is tearing us apart slowly.
we live different lives.
doing different things everytime.
thats how misunderstandings occur.

he said he doesnt feel my love as much anymore..
he said i dont care much about him anymore..
those words stabbed my heart like a thousand knives.

everyone knows that chinese new year is just a few days away.
now that im jobless, i always go shopping for chinese new year preparation with mom.
all the food and drinks for chinese new year.
chinese new year clothes..
maybe in his family, he didnt need to help preparing those things, cuz he got work.
but not in my family.
i have to clean my house, clean the car,
cook for my mom, wash the clothes.
cuz mom got work so im the one who's free to do these.
and we get so caught up preparing for chinese new year,
no time to talk or maybe asked less questions like "have u eaten? are u home yet?"
he thinks that i dont care abt him anymore :(
he should have stood in my position and try to understand me..
i love him so so sooo very much..
which part of it doesn't he understand?

if he's saying that i dont love him as much anymore based on these small things,
i have a lot to say about his way of expressing love to me too.
if you really love your girl..
dont u want her to be happy?
sometimes u can be the one who care for her first.
don't wait til she ask u.
you got work and you are very tired after work..
she got stuff to do and she's tired from it too..
sometimes i feel that his work is more important than me.
i don't really remember if he's every asked how my day was.
"how's ur day?" "wat did u do?" "did u enjoy your day?" never heard from his mouth before.
but he expects me to ask him these to show my caring to him.
he didn't know i've been out shopping for his secret valentines present for days, i still haven't chosen the right present for him.
seriously dislike this feeling right now.
i feel so sad and misunderstood :(
i tried to explain to him, he said "ok then, you win"
my heart straight away broken into pieces.
 T__T